little miss reverse

A journey from ME/CFS to health using Reverse Therapy and Lightning Process

Friday, March 31, 2006

The biggest bruise!

Not much to report in terms of M.E. or big changes in how I'm doing with RT. I've been incredibly busy over the last week or so and just returned from a holiday at Croyde Bay. Did lots of walking, coped with a 2 year old and had lots of fun, went swimming and bashed my arm on the side of the pool in excitement as decided to go on the water slide. I've got the biggest bruise I've had in years on my arm! Coped with the adrenaline rush from the slide (hell of a BIG slide!), no after effects.

I'm feeling a little bit tired from all the things I got up to, but only experienced symptoms on the way back in the car and I know that is anxiety - "how will I cope with a 2 hour car journey???" I coped fine!

I'm off to Plymouth for the day tomorrow to see a friend I haven't seen for almost 5 years due to both of us having M.E. I'm really looking forward to it.

Friday, March 24, 2006

2 days of fatigue

Last weekend I had a very normal weekend. I went over to my bf's on Friday night, we had a meal and some wine, stayed in. On Saturday I just mooched about and on sunday spent a few hours with my bf and went out for a wander. When we got back to his, I needed a lie down for 10mins, which turned into an hour, I felt really tired.

On Monday I had a 9am start at college and felt a bit fatigued after. On Tuesday another 9am start and felt really fatigued for the rest of the day, so had a chilled day on Wednesday, but went belly dancing on Wed night. This seems to shift fatigue for me sometimes as long as I don't go overboard with it. It worked this time.

On Thursday we went out for the day. We went to Sand Bay and the last time I was there in June 05, I had fatigue (the kind where all you can do is lie on the sofa) for 2 days after. This time we walked the same amount, went for lunch then to Weston to play in the arcade on the pier. Lots of fun.

This morning I got up and went to work for an 8am start. So although I've had a fairly fatigue-ey week, I've still been able to go to college, dancing, go out for the day and go to work for 5 hours. Not bad really. I haven't felt my best, but just dropped down a few gears rather than having to stop completely and start from scratch.

I think I'm probably over my blip. I'll have to pay a bit more attention to BM, I misjudged it the week before last and it caused me a bit of grief, but I seem to have popped back up now. I think a lot of that was body anxiety about work, which is calming down the more I do it. I am able to sleep the night before I work now and not get anxious and exhausted before I even start.

I'm off to watch a football match tomorrow and then on Monday I'm going to North Devon for one of those holidays that 'The Sun' does for peanuts. I'm really looking forward to it!

Friday, March 17, 2006

Aches and oddness

After I went swimming on Tuesday, I felt a bit tired but OK. I hadn't been able to swim as much as I usually can and I realised that my body wanted to stop. The next day I woke up with a stonking headache and my body ached all down my sides and around the lumbar area of my back. I took some ibuprofen and had a chilled day.

By the mid afternoon I was OK, still a bit tired, but strangely enough it wasn't fatigue. I didn't feel it in my head, it was all in my body. This is something new for me. Something else which is quite odd, is that this particular type of ache - dull general achey feeling, like sore kidneys, with no specific point of pain and can get quite intense - is one that I haven't had for about 4 years.

This ache is something that I had when I was getting ill, after physical exertion, but I haven't had it since then. I've still been able to go to work with no problem so something has shifted. At work I did a bit of basket ball hoops with one of the kids and it came back on again - so it's something that is to do with physical activity but doesn't give me mental fatigue or brain fog, like physical activity used to. It's all very interesting.

So, I think I overdid it physically over the last week, but it's not a problem. It has given me some symptoms to work on, but I haven't crashed and I'm sleeping well, so there's no major damage. I'm just going to take it easy on the physical for a while.

I think this is where RT comes into it's own. I know that if I had done this prior to RT (and I did do so on many occasions!), I would have had a big crash with a return of all my old symptoms and it would have taken me weeks or months to get over it. I would have felt a great deal of anxiety about increasing my activity again and my life would have been very limited again for a time.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Hard Week

The last week has been quite tough. It's been good, but hard work. Out of the blue I had a sleepless night on the Sunday night due to some rather strong coffee and chocolate cake (back to decaf for me!), so I was rather tired on the Monday.

I had my college assesment, so went in anyway and was fine. Later on that day I had an appointment to learn how to do EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique - see and by then I was feeling a bit fatigued. I felt tense and fatigued after the appointment as we had been focusing on some of my anxiety issues. I felt fatigued on the Tuesday too.

Despite feeling fatigued on the Tuesday, it was the kind of fatigue that resting doesn't get rid of at the point where I am now. It's the kind that's there when I wake up and I know that if I sit around at home all day, it does nothing to alleviate it. So I went to see a friend and then went swimming.

That afternoon I had a call from the agency about some work for Wednesday starting at 8am for 3 hours. I'm still getting into the swing of the whole work thing and I still have anxiety e.g. 'what if...I don't get enough sleep, wake up in time, get there late, I'm really tired, make a fool of myself in some way, make myself ill, have a relapse' etc, etc. It's not in the front of my head causing me to worry myself sick, but it's there in the background and that causes some of the exact things I'm worrying about to happen. So I didn't have a great night's sleep and I was really tired. BUT, I got there on time, was able to do the work no problem, didn't make a fool of myself and actually I enjoyed it.

I was exhausted after, so had an hour in bed then went out for lunch with my BF and I ate like a horse. Don't think he's ever seen me eat so much! We mooched about in the afternoon and then in the evening I went to my bellydancing class, which was flippin hard work.

I had a fairly chilled day on the Thursday, just went to a cafe, oh and I slept like a log on Wed night.

On Friday, I was up early again and to another job, this time for 4 and a half hours in a nursery. It was great, really enjoyed it. Again, I didn't have a brilliant nights sleep and had to leave the house at 7.45am, which is all quite challenging. I worked until 1.30 then popped to see a friend who lived near the nursery. I went to bed for an hour when I got home, then went over to my BF's for the night.

I'm having to do the 'feel the fear and do it anyway' thing, whilst recognising that it is my body that is in charge not my head. I've actually had some old symptoms (muscle twitching) reappear over the last few days that I'm waiting for BM to tell me what to do about and I am feeling tired today. I'll wait and see how I feel tomorrow before committing myself to any work on Wednesday - might have to skip the doing other stuff on days I'm working, but I'll see how it pans out. So it's not a case of just doing it and it's all fine. it's quite a juggling act.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Change (vanishing post!)

One of my posts vanished and even though it comes up in a 'search this blog' I can't actually see it. I've tried Firefox too and still can't see it, so I've cut and pasted it back in here. Sorry if you guys CAN see it and it's here twice.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

So much has happened since my last post that I don't know where to start. I've had a fair bit of fatigue over the last month or so, but the intensity has really reduced and it seems to be acting as a definite sign post to things that I need to sort out.

I've got to the point where I can be busy doing all sorts of things during the day and not get fatigue, but when I go home and have nothing to do, the fatigue comes on. My bodymind is not happy about me sitting at home not doing anything. It seems that all the things I do such as college, meeting up with friends, going swimming and for walks is no longer enough to keep me satisfied.

I went to Barcelona last week for 4 days and had no problem keeping up with my BF. I walked loads, ate whatever I wanted, drank lots of cava and even dealt well with being robbed and a 10 hour delay on the return flight. The holiday was fantastic despite the problems and was a real milestone as it was the first time I've been able to go abroad for 4 years. I felt great and had no symptoms at all, but my legs did feel like they were going to fall off from the walking, but so did my BF's.

After my holiday I realised that I have been going round in circles about voluntary work, work experience and paid work, but not found the right thing so far. This week I realised that I want to get back to work ie real paid work. I went to the jobcentre to find out the rules about working whilst on benefits. When I came out of the jobcentre after making the appointment I nearly burst into tears. I've been carrying around this frustrated desire to work for several months now and it was only when I nearly cried that I realised the weight of it. I'd been allowing my headmind to win by letting the concerns about money and benefits stop me from acting. Then my symptoms increased a lot and I had fatigue for the 2 days until the appointment. This is a real indicator of how RT works for me, when I get the right issue to work on, my symptoms increase as if my BM is shouting 'YES that's it!' at me to make sure I sort it out. After the appointment, I felt really fantastic and excited. I've put together a CV and approached a job agency about doing some work in schools and I'm feeling really good about it. I still had symptoms for another 2 days, so decided I must need to rest too, so that is what I did yesterday.

I'm feeling almost human today and feel as if I'm embarking on a new stage of my recovery. Things are going to change quite drastically for me over the next few months, so it will interesting to see what happens. I'm fully aware that getting back to work will be challenging and difficult, but I've already told myself that I will not push myself and if it doesn't work out I will stop.

Institutionalised by my illness

I've been talking with other people on the RT forum about how difficult it is to change your behaviour as you become well. I described is as feeling 'institutionalised' by my illness. I'll try to explain the kind of things I'm talking about.

Some days I put on my alarm clock for 7am and get up before 8am. I go downstairs, feed the cats, get a cuppa, switch on the computer and go on some forums, read my emails, surf the net etc. Before I know it, it is 12.30 and I'm still in my dressing gown. I may have arranged to meet up with some friends in the evening, but I'll get there late, despite having all day to prepare myself. I may have one or two things that I might have wanted to do during the day, but probably didn't get around to doing them.

It's so difficult to motivate myself, turn up on time, be organised etc. I used to be sharp, but I'm not now. It's like I'm stuck in a loop and that loop is: the behaviour that I learned whilst I was very ill is the thing that is holding me back now.

There is absolutely no reason why I can't get up, have a shower, get dressed and go out into the world and do things for 4 or 5 hours in a row. But actually doing it is another matter. I'm not depressed, or even feeling low, I actually feel happy. I don't think that I can't do these things, because I know that I can now. I even feel a strong desire to do them, but just can't seem to get my act together. It's not like this all the time, but I feel like I've lost my ability to focus sometimes. I'm sure it will get better as I get more practiced at it.

I've found that if I behave in the way of 'an ill person' and by that I mean the behaviour that I used to use to keep me entertained when I was ill, then I get symptoms. I get tension and anxiety and fatigue. When I'm busy, I don't get symptoms.

It's all quite frustrating. I feel as if I need to really acknowledge that I don't have M.E. any more. I say that I sometimes 'feel' like I don't have M.E. any more, but I feel scared to actually say 'I don't have M.E. anymore'. So am I willing to say that??? I don't know yet... there is a fear in being well again, like it would be tempting fate to say it out loud.

Maybe that is why so many people are resistant to trying RT in the first place, for the same reason I don't feel able to say what I just wrote here. The thought of it not being true is just too damn scary and would be too much to bear!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


I have a cold, hurrah! It's my second one in a year, so I think my immune system is starting to go back to normal. I only had one cold in the first 3 years of ME. I haven't had any signs of ME symptoms either. Possibly been a bit more tired than someone without ME or maybe I'm just better at listening to my body these days and have allowed myself to just stop.

As RT is going to be a way of life for me now, I took this opportunity to show my body that I am going to look after it properly from now on. I have stayed at home, snuggled up on the sofa for the last 2 days, taking vitamin C, drinking hot ginger, lemon and honey tea (with a good kick of fresh ginger) and just taking it easy whilst I could feel the virus in my body. I get a bit dizzy when I have a virus and know to take it easy. I phoned up the agency and instead of just cancelling work for today, I cancelled the whole of the week.

Now it's only a cold, I know, but in the past I have barely given myself time to get over illness before heading straight back to work. This is my chance to get it right this time, start as I mean to go on and all that.

I feel a lot better today, the sneezing has all but stopped and the dizziness has lifted, so I've kicked it into touch really quickly - only caught it on Sunday.

I can't help but feel positive about things at the minute. Even a cold feels like a step forward lol!