little miss reverse

A journey from ME/CFS to health using Reverse Therapy and Lightning Process

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

rough week

I've had a bit of a rough week. I'm not sure what happened (did nothing out of the ordinary), but on Thursday last week my body decided to reject the food I had put in it, then I had a low blood sugar wobble, then I couldn't sleep and on Friday felt really horrible.

It didn't feel like M.E. so I didn't do any RT, but on Saturday it did feel like M.E. but I still didn't do any RT. I wasn't sure how to apply it. You apply the RT when you feel the symptoms come on, but in this case I just woke up feeling shit and got less shit as the day went on. I'm unsure how to do RT on something that feels like a hangover and just lingers around, might email Georgiana about that.

Yesterday after doing some photography for a couple of hours, I got my more recognisable M.E. symptoms, so did RT on them. Body mind not giving me anything specific to act on, but I kind of thought that just meant stop doing what I was doing when the symptoms came on (using the computer). Symptoms eased off.

Felt not wonderful this morning, but picked up in the afternoon. I find the heat a real challenge when I'm not at my best and spent the day with a bright red sweaty face. Maybe I should have done RT on that.

It's easy to do RT on the symptoms that I get when I've been doing something for a bit too long. You just stop what you are doing, get your card out and focus on your symptom. Other things like the low blood sugar, the insomnia, the 'hangover' and dodgy thermostat are a bit different. I don't get these sympoms on a day-to-day basis now, so I kind of forgot to class them as symptoms that RT can work on and just didn't think to do it.

Maybe if I did some RT on my horrendous memory, I could remember to do RT all of my symptoms.

Anyway, the path is not smooth...

Monday, August 22, 2005

Every month...

Just realized (Doh!) after checking in my diary that my bad M.E. days (since May) correspond with something a little more fundamental and a little more regular. Regular as in once-a-month! Now that I don't feel shitty all the time and actually feel well a lot of the time, I'm getting PMS symptoms again. They feel just like M.E. or maybe it just makes my M.E. flare up. So that's probably why I couldn't feel what bodymind was telling me, because 'body' was just doing what it does. Phew.

Friday, August 19, 2005

hello fatigue my old friend

I'd just been thinking that I'm kind of getting the hang of this RT malarky when I get my old favourite symptom 'fatigue' again. I'm trying not to be down hearted about this, as my symptoms are my friends (cringe!) and I obviously need a nudge to put me back on track. BTW I went 18 days without experiencing fatigue, so not a bad start to RT really. pacing terms I can't think what exactly might have casued it apart from a cumulative effect from all the things I've done over the last few weeks - that happens sometimes. There's nothing big I've done since swimming a week ago.

Now in RT terms, you don't use your heaad to try and work it out, you just get into your body, feel very aware of it and try to feel what bodymind is trying to tell you. I couldn't hear what bodymind was trying to tell me, so I did the body focusing thing that Georgiana did with me about my driving and computer symptoms. It's kind of like your bodymind does a scan to find a lost file and then ping, you get a picture in your head. Anyway, I couldn't find the lost file when I did that. I have, however had something on my mind, not a big thing, just a niggle, but it's been on my mind when I've been falling asleep the last 2 nights. I know from the last time I had a really bad day, I had terrible fatigue, felt awful and it corresponded with me having something big on my mind. So I'm kind of thinking it might be that. I don't know though as I don't get the 'whoomph' feeling in my gut when I do the body focus thing and I think I may have been using my headmind to work that one out. Anyway, its worth expressing these thoughts to the person concerned and seeing what happens.

The niggle isn't something that I would have immediately acted on in the past. To me its just one of those fleeting 'I want' thoughts that you always get from time to time and sometimes turn into big niggles that you might then act on. But then maybe that is why I have got M.E. because these fleeting thoughts need to be listened to and often acted upon.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

2nd session

I had my second session with Georgiana today. I told her about the improvements that I have noticed, specifically about the fact that my body seems to have ceased to give me symptoms for physical activity. I told her about going swimming and actually pushing myself a little bit, working my body just for a couple of lengths and only experiencing a relaxed tiredness over the next couple of days (not the M.E. tiredness that I'm so familiar with). I was a bit uncertain about what was going on as I was sure that it would have just tipped me over into 'overdoneit' after everything else I've been doing lately...but it didn't and I just did what a healthy person would have done - had a chilled couple of days then carried on where I left off. Obviously this is a bit of a shock and it will be a little while before I get my confidence in this new found physical ability.

I explained that now my sticking points were driving, using the computer and conflict. I haven't had any conflict to deal with over the last month so we focused on the other 2. She asked me to close my eyes, to feel my body, to feel my centre of gravity drop and to be aware of my feet on the floor then asked me to go back to a time when I had been driving on the way to swimming (which is the last time I had the symptom from driving). Immediately I went back to a time when I was first ill and had over done it by driving half way across town after going swimming and my brain shut down on the drive home, being firstly very dangerous and secondly very scary. My body mind was scared.

Again with the computer, I focused on my body and went back to when I first got ill and was working. I remember sitting in front of the computer litterally using all my energy to keep myself upright and feeling scared that my body was doing so many wierd things. I was scared that I was going mad or that I had a brain tumor. My bodymind was scared.

From these examples she came up with a message for me which was very simple but was about listening to ALL of my symptoms and giving them the attention they deserve.

She said that it sounded like I had some chemical memories stored in my body from these events in the past that were originally to protect me, but they were no longer needed. I just need to let my bodymind know that I am listening and paying attention to the symptoms (by doing the RT) and eventually the headmind and the bodymind will come into alignment and the symptoms will go away. I have complete faith that this will happen as I have just realised in the last few days that my most troublesome symptom which has been fatigue for a very long time now has not surfaced in my symptom journal since 30th July, that's 2 weeks at the moment (and after a huge step up in my physical activity). My main symptoms now are tension in my neck and my shoulders and a tight head.

Georgiana said that I probably need just one more session, which I have in my diary for 5 weeks time. That will mean I will have spent £240 on RT - an absolute bargain! I don't think I will be completely 'cured' in 5 weeks time, there's a lot of building up stamina and fitness to do and getting used to being able to 'do' things which will take a while. I do think that in 5 weeks time I will have all the tools and the confidence in RT to see this thing through to my fullest health, whatever that may be.

Friday, August 12, 2005


Two months ago on 14th June, my boyfriend took me to Sand Bay near Weston. We walked on the beach, had lunch in Grandma's cafe and then went to a pub for a game of pool. I was out of the house for 6 hours. It was the first time I had been out of Bristol in 15 months. By the time I got home I had tension in my neck, a headache and puffy eyes, a foggy brain and felt knackered, which are my initial M.E. symptoms. The next day I was really tired all day (m.e. tired), my sleep was disturbed and the day after that I was still a bit tired too.

Yesterday on 11th August I got up at 8.30, feeling refreshed from sleep had my breakfast and got ready for the day. I drove to Fishponds to do some banking, then my friend came over and I drove into town and did a bit of shopping. We then had a coffee (with caffeine - body now reacting normally to it) and sat in the sun. Then we went to the Ostrich pub and sat in the sun for another hour or so eating a baguette and having a shandy (never would have had alcohol in the day time or even at all a few months ago) and a long chat. Then I went to whiteladies rd to pick up some photographs. After that I went swimming. I came home had a shower and then some tea before my boyfriend came over to take me to the pub. Was a bit tired in the pub (but wasn't certain if it was M.E. tired or normal tired as did have tension in neck from swimming) so was home by 10ish and then went to bed.

OK, that might not sound like a hectic day to a healthy person, but to me, its pretty unbelievable. I woke up this morning after a good nights sleep and I feel fine, a little bit groggy, but I remember feeling like this after I had done lots when I was well. It's quite bizzarre. I think that I can honestly now say that the RT is having an effect as I have never experienced this kind of ability and wellness since I became ill 3-4 years ago.

I know it doesn't really make sense, I'm still a bit wierded out by the whole thing and still think it sounds bonkers. BUT, since I've been using the message card, my symptoms happen less and less and they are less intense, my energy and stamina have drastically increased and my fear of making myself worse has virtually gone. Make of it what you will, but I don't think I'm going to need many sessions and I really believe that I'm on the way out of this illness. The improvements that I've gained in just the last month are well worth the £80 I've spent so far.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Pink Wig

About a month to six weeks ago, I became incredibly frustrated with my M.E. I was fed up of being ill and just wanted to be well again. After having a bad weekend, something inside me (bodymind?) was saying 'just get on with it!' I decided that I needed to 'do' more. I suppose I have kind of got used to having limitations and presume that I still have all the old ones when actually I have improved quite a lot this year.

Anyway, my plan was to go to visit a friend on the Isle of Wight and to go to a music festival (very scary!) I did the Isle of Wight thing a few weeks back and managed it fine.

This weekend just gone I went to the music festival. Now something very interesting happened whilst I was there. Well actually nothing happened in M.E. terms. I walked quite a lot, sat around listening to music, hung out with people I know really well and some that I didn't know at all (has exhausted me in the past). I even danced a little bit! I had bad sleep on the first 2 nights because the music didn't end until 2am, but I didn't get any M.E. symptoms. I was knackered, but it was a normal tired, not an M.E. tired and my legs really ached, but again it wasn't an M.E. ache it was a normal healthy used-my-legs ache By the third day I was able to sleep and my energy increased. It increased on the fourth day too.

From Thursday to Monday I only had to use my message card once. When that happened I got up and left the people that I was sitting with and went for a wander around the stalls. I went in the bubble shop, some clothes stalls and a fairy stall where I tried on lots of wigs and settled on a very over the top long, bright pink wig. I went back to my friends, put my wig on and didn't have any more symptoms until Tuesday after I had returned home and had done some driving and going on the computer.

What I have deduced from all this....

I'm going to change my attitude about my M.E. from 'oh I'll have to be careful about that' to 'I can do that' if I get symptoms, that is good as it is just nudging me back on track if I drift off it,

I love and need to spend lots more time outside (I do spend time outside, but I think I need to do more of this),

I need to indulge myself in 'play' and by that I mean anything that feeds my passions and my creativity (which I have been doing anyway, but I think I need a lot more of it)

Less time on computer!