Change (vanishing post!)

One of my posts vanished and even though it comes up in a 'search this blog' I can't actually see it. I've tried Firefox too and still can't see it, so I've cut and pasted it back in here. Sorry if you guys CAN see it and it's here twice.

Saturday, February 04, 2006
Change

So much has happened since my last post that I don't know where to start. I've had a fair bit of fatigue over the last month or so, but the intensity has really reduced and it seems to be acting as a definite sign post to things that I need to sort out.

I've got to the point where I can be busy doing all sorts of things during the day and not get fatigue, but when I go home and have nothing to do, the fatigue comes on. My bodymind is not happy about me sitting at home not doing anything. It seems that all the things I do such as college, meeting up with friends, going swimming and for walks is no longer enough to keep me satisfied.

I went to Barcelona last week for 4 days and had no problem keeping up with my BF. I walked loads, ate whatever I wanted, drank lots of cava and even dealt well with being robbed and a 10 hour delay on the return flight. The holiday was fantastic despite the problems and was a real milestone as it was the first time I've been able to go abroad for 4 years. I felt great and had no symptoms at all, but my legs did feel like they were going to fall off from the walking, but so did my BF's.

After my holiday I realised that I have been going round in circles about voluntary work, work experience and paid work, but not found the right thing so far. This week I realised that I want to get back to work ie real paid work. I went to the jobcentre to find out the rules about working whilst on benefits. When I came out of the jobcentre after making the appointment I nearly burst into tears. I've been carrying around this frustrated desire to work for several months now and it was only when I nearly cried that I realised the weight of it. I'd been allowing my headmind to win by letting the concerns about money and benefits stop me from acting. Then my symptoms increased a lot and I had fatigue for the 2 days until the appointment. This is a real indicator of how RT works for me, when I get the right issue to work on, my symptoms increase as if my BM is shouting 'YES that's it!' at me to make sure I sort it out. After the appointment, I felt really fantastic and excited. I've put together a CV and approached a job agency about doing some work in schools and I'm feeling really good about it. I still had symptoms for another 2 days, so decided I must need to rest too, so that is what I did yesterday.

I'm feeling almost human today and feel as if I'm embarking on a new stage of my recovery. Things are going to change quite drastically for me over the next few months, so it will interesting to see what happens. I'm fully aware that getting back to work will be challenging and difficult, but I've already told myself that I will not push myself and if it doesn't work out I will stop.