little miss reverse

A journey from ME/CFS to health using Reverse Therapy and Lightning Process

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Chemical memory surprise!

I'd been plodding along with no symptoms, anxiety or chemical memory (CM) related stuff for more than 2 weeks when I received a bit of a CM surprise. I didn't see it coming, it completely threw me.

My BF and I had planned to go up North to visit his parents over the Bank Holiday weekend. I hadn't met them before and was really looking forward to it. My BF had met my parents last month and I had no fatigue around that, so hadn't expected anything to happen with meeting his.

I worked on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday then on Wednesday night I woke up in the middle of the night with my head full of stuff connected to a previous boyfriend's family and struggled to get back to sleep. On Thursday I was fatigued and felt a bit tearful.

I know that when I wake up in the night like this, the thing that is on my mind is a message from my bodymind (BM).

I was really close to the previous boyfriend's family and we spent a lot of time together. The breakup with this bf was the biggest trigger for my illness, so BM feels it has a lot to fear. When we split up I was devestated and part of that was the loss of his family. I had completely forgotten how I felt about that.

Obviously my BM was feeling threatened by me meeting my present boyfriend's family. When I thought about it, I felt anxiety bubbling up in my chest.

I dealt with it by telling my bf how I felt, talking to a friend about it, having a bit of a cry. I also talked to my BM saying that I am looking after myself now and if we have to deal with that kind of situation ever again, I will listen to BM and respond in a better way than I did that time.

On Friday I was fine, we drove up to the North East and had a lovely weekend with my BF's parents with no anxiety or fatigue.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

No fatigue for 2 weeks

I've had no chemical memory/BM related fatigue or tension for 2 weeks now. That kind of tells me that I'm on the right track.

The more I get on with my life the less any kind of residual symptoms bother me. I'm learning to respond to what my BM wants much quicker these days, so I guess that is why I'm recovering so quickly.

I still feel frustrated at times with the pace of recovery and having to deal with all the chemical memory related stuff. Phew!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Bodymind in charge & headmind OK with that

Over the last couple of weeks a couple of things have happened that have made me realise that I'm really listening to my Bodymind these days and not letting that daft old headmind get the better of me. The strange thing is that headmind is now playing ball and going along with it - hurrah!

Firstly, I've left my college course because my fees weren't going to be paid, even though they were in my first year. Anyway, it's a rule change that happened whilst I had deferred because of ill health and my tutor thinks that I am being discriminated against on the grounds of my disability. He said we could take it further if I wanted to. My headmind really did want to complete the course because that is what I have always strived to do in the past. Work really, really hard to achieve and I have done. Thing is...bodymind really couldn't be bothered and didn't really see the point of another qualification, even though I'm only 2 pieces of work off completing my HNC after 3 years of work. Headmind was saying, "come on, just a bit more work and you'll be there", bodymind was saying, "I'm there anyway, I've learnt loads and I'm happy with that". So I haven't pursued it, which I would have done in the past.

The other thing is to do with work. I worked 5 afternoons last week and although I managed it, I've been really tired (not ME tired). I thought I would make it to the end of next week as it's half term then, but yesterday morning, half way through the week, I got up and thought I'm not sure if I can do this without really pushing myself. On the drive to work, I decided that I wasn't going to go in the next day. I told them that I needed to go down to 3 days as of now and they were fine with it. I didn't give them much notice and this would have made me hold back before, but I knew it was what I needed to do.

So, this morning I'm sat at my computer and I feel like I could have managed to go into work today, but I know that I've done the right thing by my bodymind. I didn't leave it until it got to crisis point and I didn't allow letting others down to get in the way of doing what I needed to do.

I know these things aren't major lifechange things, but they are me putting my new way of behaving into practice to keep myself healthy and happy. So bodymind is telling me what I need to do and headmind is OK with it and I'm not getting in a tiz over it. I'm feel pretty good about it at the moment.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Monday Blues

Well as predicted, my CM's interfered with my sleep and I woke at 5am then drifted in and out of sleep until about 10am. I felt dreadful this morning, really hungover and fatiguey, big puffy eyes and brain fog.

I knew it was just the old chemical memories and that the only thing to do was to go to work, so I went in. Once I was there I felt fine. It just lifted.

I did chat to the agency this morning as they have offered me the job until July and we talked about reducing the number of days, so I think that reassured BM too.

Anyway, work is cool, it's mentally challenging but I enjoy it and the staff are really lovely.

I still think that I might have some more CM stuff arising until I am towards the end of the week. If it all goes pear shaped, I can always jack it in anyway, the agency are really good about that and I don't feel pressured into anything. So fingers crossed...

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Chemical Memories

I started my new job on Tuesday of this week. On the Monday, I had fatigue. I had fatigue the day before work last week too, so I think my body is throwing up some chemical memory hurdles for me to leap over.

I went to work on the Tuesday and it was tiring but fine. On the Wednesday, I went in and within 45 mins my symptoms had flared up. I had tension in my neck, my eyes were really sore and I was starting to feel fatigued. Fortunately it was my break time, so I just told myself that it was OK and that it was all anxiety related and that I would be fine. I got home and had a really bad headache that didn't lift after resting, eating or taking some pain killers. I decided to go to my dance class because I have discovered that when I feel like this and it is brought on by mental activity, the best way to get rid of it, is to balance it up with some physical activity that I love doing.

The next day the fatigue had lifted (phew, it's always a relief when the RT works) and I felt really good. But a couple of hours later as I got closer to the time for going to work, I felt the tension building again and I could feel the anxiety and fatigue waiting in the wings for me. I did some EFT then I decided that if I felt as bad as I did yesterday after work, I would decide not to do it any more.

I arrived at work and as soon as I started, I could feel the anxiety lifting. It's only 2 hours and I know I can manage it.

I realised that the work I'm doing is in the same geographical area that I worked in when I was getting ill, it's with the same age group, with similar behavioural difficulties, so it was triggering a whole range of chemical memories. I have some more to overcome this week as I will be working 5 days in a row, which I haven't done for 4 years. I can already feel the anxiety building and the fear of not being able to manage. When I think about it rationally, I know I can manage it, but it's the whole CM memory thing that is causing all this anxiety and any symptoms that follow. The only way to get through this is for me to just do it, but give myself permission to not have to do it if I don't feel like it.