little miss reverse

A journey from ME/CFS to health using Reverse Therapy and Lightning Process

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Tired Tuesday

I've been a bit tired over the last few days and quite fatigued today, which is a bit of a surprise as I've hardly done anything. I've been having vivid dreams too. I think there's some underlying anxieties floating around at the moment.

I had an interview booked next week for a job with a photographic studio, but have been feeling that my skills are not up to what they want. It is a specific job using Photoshop and I'm not that up on it at the moment. It's also completely computer based work and I still have some negative chemical memories related to using computers and they make me tired really quickly.

I've got a photoshoot on Thursday for my bf's company, photographing a couple of local celebrities. I'm also assisting another photographer on Friday on a shoot he is doing for a BBC magazine.

I think all of this new stuff has been causing me some anxiety resulting in some fatigue.

The employment agency phoned me up earlier and offered me some regular work as a teaching assistant for the next month. It's just 2 hours per day and its work that I know I can do and have done in the past, so it feels a lot easier than all the photography stuff. I decided to take it and bin the interview at the photography studio. I've also decided to do a short course in photoshop starting in June, to try to improve my skills and hopefully do something about being able to use computers in a work environment. I can apply to the photographic studio when I feel more confident in my photoshop skills.

I can feel that I've made the right decision regarding the jobs and hope that the fatigue has gone by tomorrow as I'm working in a nursery in the afternoon. I really enjoy that and the kids really make me laugh - great therapy!

Things seem to be changing really quickly at the moment. It's taking a bit of getting used to, but it's all good.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The importance of headmind/bodymind alignment

I've just had some kind of dawning realisation that headmind (HM) plays a role in symptoms and it's not all about bodymind (BM).

I got so caught up in trying to listen to BM, that I didn't really hear it when my therapist told me about BM and HM coming into alignment and working together to rid you of symptoms.

Conflict between headmind and bodymind can cause symptoms. A good example of this for me was when I needed to challenge a friend on how she had treated me. My BM wanted me to tell her that I was not willing to tolerate that kind of behaviour and I was willing to do that, but my HM did not want to do that AT ALL. I was stuck in a place where whilst I was sticking with my HM's desire not to do anything, I was getting symptoms, but then when I did do what BM wanted, I got symptoms as well.

I was quite confused by this at the time because in RT theory, doing what BM wants should get rid of symptoms. It's not quite that straight forward in some situations.

I think that it is important to do what your BM wants whilst also doing something to reassure your HM in some situations. An example of that might be that you (your BM) desires to go to the cinema after not having been for 4 years. You feel that strong urge to go, but you also feel anxious "what if I get fatigued/wobbly/headache/intolerant to noise/any other symptoms when I'm there?". In order to reassure your HM you could give yourself permission to leave at any point and even pop out for a break/to go to the loo during the film, allowing you to do what your BM wants whilst providing your HM with some security.

My BF and I have been talking about moving in together which is fantastic and is really what my BM desires. BUT I've been having some anxiety about giving up my own home and all the "what ifs" about it not working out. Up until now, I would have been trying to work out which is HM and which is BM. Is the anxiety BM anxiety or is it HM anxiety? I don't really know which is which for sure, but what I do know is that there is some HM/BM conflict going on about this issue. I started to get fatigue on Tuesday of this week and this issue was buzzing around in my head. I'd also been really physically active. Pre RT I would have put the fatigue down to overdoing it physically, but I know it doesn't work like that now I'm applying RT.

On the Wednesday, I could feel the fatigue building. I still went to my dance class despite feeling fatigued (something I wouldn't have done pre-RT because it would have made fatigue worse). BM wanted to go dancing despite HM saying "what if you overdo it!" and "you've been really physical this week, you shouldn't do any more". When I got home I emailed my bf about the anxiety issues about us moving in together, not in a "what are you going to do about it" way, but in a "this is going on in my head" kind of way. I didn't even need a response from him, because on the Wednesday the fatigue had lifted and I did 2 hours of digging in the garden.

So you can be following what your heart (bodymind) desires and still be getting symptoms and be thinking "why isn't this RT working then?". It might be that there is a conflict between BM and HM. It is tough in some cases to get them to work together especially when you are opening yourself up in a vulnerable way or trying to learn to behave in a completely new and scary way.

For me a lot of these HM/BM battles are brought up by conflict, standing up for myself and about scary vulnerabilities in my relationship based on past baggage. I don't want any of these things to stop me from having the life I want, so I need to find ways of making sure that my HM and BM work together and not against each other.

Monday, April 17, 2006

I like driving in my car

Just hit another major milestone in my recovery! I drove from Bristol to Birmingham in my car on my own and drove back again a few days later. I haven't been able to do that for more than 4 years.

I did have some anxiety about driving up and I could feel the symptoms almost waiting in the wings to come and get me, but recently I've been able to overide them somehow. I think it's because I know that it is all based on anxiety and that they disappear with familiarity with the activity. So, even though I felt anxious and I did get a headache from driving, I just took it easy, stopped and had a long break when I needed to and stepped back from the anxious feelings. I used the radio to distract myself from the anxiety and when I felt it creeping in on me, I drove in the slow lane, turned up the music and sang at the top of my voice. It all worked a treat.

I was really tired when I arrived and had to lie down for half an hour, but then I was fine and there was no post-exertional stuff the next day.

On the way back, it was much easier. I didn't get a headache and I didn't need to stop and even went out to the pub in the evening. I still felt the anxiety trying to get a hold, but I knew I could do it, so just ignored it.

This is a really important step for me because for a while I have had chemical memories related to driving and this has shown me how the negative CM is being replaced with positive CM and the symptoms are disolving.