Chemical Memories

I started my new job on Tuesday of this week. On the Monday, I had fatigue. I had fatigue the day before work last week too, so I think my body is throwing up some chemical memory hurdles for me to leap over.

I went to work on the Tuesday and it was tiring but fine. On the Wednesday, I went in and within 45 mins my symptoms had flared up. I had tension in my neck, my eyes were really sore and I was starting to feel fatigued. Fortunately it was my break time, so I just told myself that it was OK and that it was all anxiety related and that I would be fine. I got home and had a really bad headache that didn't lift after resting, eating or taking some pain killers. I decided to go to my dance class because I have discovered that when I feel like this and it is brought on by mental activity, the best way to get rid of it, is to balance it up with some physical activity that I love doing.

The next day the fatigue had lifted (phew, it's always a relief when the RT works) and I felt really good. But a couple of hours later as I got closer to the time for going to work, I felt the tension building again and I could feel the anxiety and fatigue waiting in the wings for me. I did some EFT then I decided that if I felt as bad as I did yesterday after work, I would decide not to do it any more.

I arrived at work and as soon as I started, I could feel the anxiety lifting. It's only 2 hours and I know I can manage it.

I realised that the work I'm doing is in the same geographical area that I worked in when I was getting ill, it's with the same age group, with similar behavioural difficulties, so it was triggering a whole range of chemical memories. I have some more to overcome this week as I will be working 5 days in a row, which I haven't done for 4 years. I can already feel the anxiety building and the fear of not being able to manage. When I think about it rationally, I know I can manage it, but it's the whole CM memory thing that is causing all this anxiety and any symptoms that follow. The only way to get through this is for me to just do it, but give myself permission to not have to do it if I don't feel like it.