Wobble

I don't know what is going on with me at the moment, I am having a bit of a wobble. The good thing is that the wobble has not caused an ME flare up which would have been standard up until recently.

I've been irritable, stroppy, paranoid and insecure. I've had difficulty motivating myself and I've been getting annoyed with myself for not being able to get it together. I've also been bored. I don't know if I've been stroppy because I'm bored or what, but it's all a bit odd. I'm usually pretty stable.

I've had a difficult week with my boyfriend, who has been an absolute darling being patient with me. It's really difficult to explain to people why you are behaving in a certain way when you don't know yourself.

All I know is that it doesn't matter what causes me to feel this way, but I have to acknowledge how I am feeling and express that to to person/people concerned. I can't convince myself that I'm happy with stuff if I'm not anymore, or pretend that I don't care when I do. I am not allowed to ignore or surpress how I feel about things these days or tolerate things that I don't really want to, even if it means that I shock or upset or annoy another person. I've never been like this before and it's taking some getting used to.

When I have to challenge other people, stick up for myself or express how I feel, I try to be respectful to the other party, but it still can create a bit of a storm because people are not used to me behaving this way. I'm sure I will get more used to it and get better at handling it as time goes on.

As for being bored, college is winding down for christmas and I suddenly thought 'what am I going to do with myself for the next 3 weeks?'. I've reached a point where milling about and pottering is not enough to keep me happy. This is good news but it's also a bit unnerving. I've felt a bit depressed over the last week and I think it's partly because of this. My response has been to go to the volunteer bureau and get details of some voluntary work. It looks like I'm going to do a couple of hours a week in a cat rehoming centre (ahh). My house feels like a prison at the minute and I just need to get out and do something different. This is a new thing too, I've been content with pottering for a very long time, but maybe that was because it was necessary and now it isn't.

This is flippin hard work!